Category Archives: homosexuality

Choosing Sexual Orientation

There still seems to be a lot of people who think that gay people choose their orientation.

My nephew asked his mom (my sister), how it was that my partner came to be a part of our family?  He  finally noticed that she came with me regularly to family events and she seemed to fit in.  My sister   decided it was time to tell him that I was a lesbian.

He did not have any extreme or shocking reaction, but his question was rather typical.  He asked if I had dated guys much in high school, which I hadn’t, so he thought that was an explanation for not liking men.  I just didn’t have enough experience with the opposite sex!

There are those who tend to think that one needs to date the opposite sex, or just haven’t met the “right” opposite sex to ring your bells.  So let’s reverse this kind of logic for the straight individual.

1.  Does a straight person need to date and fool around with the same sex in order to know whom he/she is attracted to?   Seems kind of ridiculous doesn’t  it?

2.  If you are straight, at what age did you choose  to be attracted to the opposite sex?   Not many straight people I know can answer that.  So why are there people who think we made a choice about our sexual orientation?

Yes, there are some in the world who go back and forth between same sex and opposite sex.  It sure seems like its a choice, doesn’t it?  There are also many of us, who stick regularly with the opposite sex, or same sex, and it wasn’t a conscious choice.

No, most people don’t choose their sexual orientation.

dr pers  © 2009


gays are worse threat to America than terrorism…

I am sorry to say I live in Oklahoma where State Representative Sally Kerns believes that “homosexuality is a bigger threat to America than terrorism or Islam.”  While the following letter to Rep. Kern is rather lengthy for a post, its definitely worth your time. It was written by an Oklahoma high school senior.


Rep Kern:

“On April 19, 1995, in Oklahoma City a terrorist detonated a bomb that killed my mother and 167 others. 19 children died that day. Had I not had the chicken pox that day, the body count would’ve likely have included one more. Over 800 other Oklahomans were injured that day and many of those still suffer through their permanent wounds.

That terrorist was neither a homosexual or was he involved in Islam. He was an extremist Christian forcing his views through a body count. He held his beliefs and made those who didn’t live up to them pay with their lives.

As you were not a resident of Oklahoma on that day, it could be explained why you so carelessly chose words saying that the homosexual agenda is worse than terrorism. I can most certainly tell you through my own experience that is not true. I am sure there are many people in your voting district that laid a loved one to death after the terrorist attack on Oklahoma City. I kind of doubt you’ll find one of them that will agree with you.

I was five years old when my mother died. I remember what a beautiful, wise, and remarkable woman she was. I miss her. Your harsh words and misguided beliefs brought me to tears, because you told me that my mother’s killer was a better person than a group of people that are seeking safety and tolerance for themselves.

As someone left motherless and victimized by terrorists, I say to you very clearly you are absolutely wrong.

You represent a district in Oklahoma City and you very coldly express a lack of love, sympathy or understanding for what they’ve been through. Can I ask if you might have chosen wiser words were you a real Oklahoman that was here to share the suffering with Oklahoma City? Might your heart be a bit less cold had you been around to see the small bodies of children being pulled out of rubble and carried away by weeping firemen?

I’ve spent 12 years in Oklahoma public schools and never once have I had anyone try to force a gay agenda on me. I have seen, however, many gay students beat up and there’s never a day in school that has went by when I haven’t heard the word **** slung at someone. I’ve been called gay slurs many times and they hurt and I am not even gay so I can just imagine how a real gay person feels. You were a school teacher and you have seen those things too. How could you care so little about the suffering of some of your students?

Let me tell you the result of your words in my school. Every openly gay and suspected gay in the school were having to walk together Monday for protection. They looked scared. They’ve already experienced enough hate and now your words gave other students even more motivation to sneer at them and call them names. After all, you are a teacher and a lawmaker, many young people have taken your words to heart. That happens when you assume a role of responsibility in your community. I seriously think before this week ends that some kids here will be going home bruised and bloody because of what you said.

I wish you could’ve met my mom. Maybe she could’ve guided you in how a real Christian should be acting and speaking.

I have not had a mother for nearly 13 years now and wonder if there were fewer people like you around, people with more love and tolerance in their hearts instead of strife, if my mom would be here to watch me graduate from high school this spring. Now she won’t be there. So I’ll be packing my things and leaving Oklahoma to go to college elsewhere and one day be a writer and I have no intentions to ever return here. I have no doubt that people like you will incite crazy people to build more bombs and kill more people again. I don’t want to be here for that. I just can’t go through that again.

You may just see me as a kid, but let me try to teach you something. The old saying is sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you. Well, your words hurt me. Your words disrespected the memory of my mom. Your words can cause others to pick up sticks and stones and hurt others.”




homosexuals are a bigger threat than terrorists…

The recorded remarks against homosexuals by OK State Rep. Sally Kern has set off a firestorm this past week. Rep. Kern said earlier this year that homosexuals are “the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam.” OK House Speaker Chris Benge said there are no plans to censure her or have her apologize.

An open letter to Rep. Kern:

“Dear Rep. Kern,

Your remarks about homosexuals being the greatest threat to America is completely outrageous and lacks significant substance.

I imagine if you and I met face to face, and you knew that I was a mother of a U.S. Marine, who has completed two tours to Iraq, you would express your gratefulness for our family’s sacrifice and your appreciation for his commitment and dedication.

How is it then, that this Christian lesbian mother who has raised a courageous U.S. Marine, who taught him Christian values, who took him to Church regularly, who inspired him to be his best in “body, mind and soul,” is such a tremendous threat to you and other Americans?

Has it ever occurred to you, that I am the woman that sits next to you in church,the woman who smiled at you as we passed in the grocery store, the woman who held the door for you as you walked thru with your cup of coffee? How is it that I create such fear in your heart?

I am just one of the homosexuals who raised sons and daughters to protect your freedom of speech. Rather ironic isn’t it, that you would use this precious freedom to insult the parents of these brave men and women, who otherwise have similar values to yours?

I hardly think I am a bigger threat to America than terrorism and Islam. If anything, your thoughtless remarks are very revealing of where the real threat lies.

Ms Kern, all of us make mistakes. If you take the time to get to know some of the fine and outstanding people in our community, you will likely realize the error of making such misinformed statements.”

Hopeful for an apology,




Pride parade or freak show?

In a Yahoo group that I belong to, an interesting discussion surfaced about the nature of this year’s Pride Parade. The response that follows was written by a passionate woman named Sarah.

“I will fight to the death for anyone’s right to free speech, including Fred Phelps right to picket faggot funerals… (his words with freedom of speech, not mine).  HOWEVER…. there is also a time and a place for everything.. and letting your butt cheeks hang out in public is never appropriate, nor is tweaked out crystal heads humping their boyfriend of the day, while the local tv films it and says .. oh look at what gay and lesbian people look like and this is what they are proud of…

At my age, and God am I starting to sound old, I want to give people a view of who we are every day. The less shocked they are at who we are and how we behave, the more we will be accepted.  I think it would be an awesome moment in gay and lesbian history if all the teachers showed up dressed to teach, the moms and dads who have children ride a float showing off their families, the firefighters and police officers in uniform, the judges in their robes, the lawyers in their suits and the doctors in their scrubs…. instead of seeing my local firefighter wearing ass less chaps and nothing else.

It is not a FREAK Parade, it’s a PRIDE Parade…. however, it has become a freak parade of nothing more than Drag Queens and Twinkies…. . instead of showing the entire community for what we are as a whole..

As you age, you will also realize you don’t gain acceptance for outlandish behavior, but normal behavior scares the hell out of the straight community. And if we give them the freak parade they want, then we have no one else to blame for the discrimination we suffer…
Fly your freak flag…. just stand over there…..”

(Posted with Sarah’s permission)  ©2008


You’re hoping to adopt and they ask if you’re gay?

I went to several informational meetings in my area for people who were considering adoption. After conversations with family members and close friends, I decided to call the agency’s social worker, named Sherry.   Over and over in my mind, I practiced my strong points and rationale for wanting a child. It would be important to make a good impression in that first phone conversation.

After introducing myself and reason for calling, Sherry asked the usual questions: why was I interested in adoption, what was my marital status (single), my age(30) and what did I do for a living (clergy). I confidently answered each and every question. Then she asked if I was gay….and my heart stopped…….a long, long pause. I was hoping to get to a face- to- face meeting before I had to talk about any sexuality issues.

A hundred things ran thru my mind as I debated on how to answer the question. Should I give the truth or lie? I finally said, “I am not sure.” She asked me about my doubts. I went on to explain that I always had plenty of good friends, male and female, a good relationship with my dad and mom, but I found myself more naturally drawn to certain women. I had not really dated and my sexual experience was limited. Because of the attraction to certain women, I wondered if I might be gay, but I had not had enough opportunity to experiment. Considering my profession, experimentation was not an option. I was aware of the attraction to some women, but I wasn’t ready to confirm or accept a gay orientation.

Sherry listened, did not judge, and indicated that we would talk more about this subject in a face to face meeting. She also said, “since you have told me the truth, I will continue to work with you. If I suspect that you are lying to me at any point, the process will end immediately.”

Looking back, I consider myself very fortunate to have worked with this open minded social worker. It now seems almost miraculous considering the very rural location and times. While it has been 23 years, I am still thankful to Sherry for giving me a chance to become a mother and changing my life forever with the gift of a child.

More reading: Gay Adoption Basics:

Gay and Lesbian parenting sites:

Tips for potential adoptive parents: tell the truth, focus your answers and don’t ramble!  

A major key to adoption is choosing a compatible adoption agency.  Research carefully the agency’s  philosophy, their requirements, their fees. Regulations vary from state to state and agency to agency.   If you are not a heterosexual married couple in your twenties, thirties or forties, look for a nontraditional agency.      

Because I was single, I chose a nontraditional agency based in the state I was living.    dr pers © 2007

Other posts in this series:

Ten Reasons to Adopt a Child

next in series: “Surviving an Adoption Home Study.”

A mother’s fierce love for her gay son

While my parents have always been suportive of me, even in my coming out, the following editorial reflects the unusual courage of a mother in Vermont. I don’t know how I missed this seven years ago, but it still holds it’s fire power.

This editorial is from Sunday’s Concord Monitor.
Sunday, April 30, 2000
By Sharon Underwood
For the Valley News (White River Junction, VT/Hanover, NH)

As the mother of a gay son, I’ve seen firsthand how cruel and misguided people can be.

Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I’ve taken enough from you good people.

I’m tired of your foolish rhetoric about the “homosexual agenda” and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny. My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay. He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called “fag” incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn’t bear to continue living any longer, that he didn’t want to be gay and that he couldn’t face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don’t know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn’t put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse.  God gave you brains so that you could think, and it’s about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won’t get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don’t know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you’d best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I’m puzzled.  Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will?  If that’s not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I’ll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for “true Vermonters.”

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn’t give their lives so that the “homosexual agenda” could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.

He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn’t the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can’t bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance. How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests  would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage.

You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin. The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about “those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing” asks: “What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?”

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?                                                           Sharon Underwood lives in White River Junction, Vt.  USA

  *dr pers salutes the courage of Sharon Underwood!